A little while back I secured a transfer to Ireland with my job. I called Egg and informed them. Told them I would like to close my account. Told them I would destroy my card. They said they were sorry to see me go, wished me luck and promised a closing balance. It didn't come.

One month later, resident in good ol' Ireland, I called and asked about this. They claimed to have no record of my previous contact- a tune they were to sing every month for 18 months. I had destroyed my card and my docs were in storage, so unable to profer a card number so they would not discuss my account. This went on- I kid you not- for a year. I called monthly, they refused to speak. I had my chequebook in my hand, ready to write the cheque, ready to pay. No dice.

This went on for another six months when I discovered that my account had not been closed and that they had still tried to debit my (dormant) bank account which I had intended to revive on my return to the UK. The Co-Op were sick of me and my non payment to Egg so they cut me loose. I wrote to Egg who finally admitted liability for everything and said I could've just done this and they couldn't work out why it had taken 18 months. Offered me £50 which after a year and a half of banging my head against a brick wall I was just relieved to take. Bit hasty, that. I should've gone to the Ombudsman.

To recap:

1. Poor customer service from poorly trained and unmotivated staff.

2. 18 months of unecessary missed direct debits.

3. Expense I incurred over 18 months trying to pay the poxy £1800 I owed.

4. Credit rating (previously good enough for 3k credit card and mortgage offer) vapourised. Can't get spit on in a bank.

5. Derisory compensation.

Egg, Thanks for a year and a half of headaches and my shattered credit rating. It is my fervent wish that every last one of you at that menagerie of bunglers is burgled on Christmas eve and that the offender takes a crap in every room of your house