As a business owner, I know it is inevitable that complaints may come, and I'm sure UPS has its share of failures, HOWEVER, the FEDEX delivery guy who works our route is truly a loser lying douchebag- he knocked on our door Monday, waited probably 5-10 seconds, and RAN AWAY, because when I opened the door, he was nowhere to be seen for 50 feet in either direction down the hallway.

So FEDEX, there's this new technology called cellular phones, apparently it's really difficult for you to deal with since no one has apartment intercoms hooked up to a landline anymore, I'd recommend you come up w some strategy to deal with it or your job and lives will just get harder.

It doesn't help that the FEDEX delivery driver doofus who works our route is one special induhvidual. He knocks on our door monday, and by the time I opened it, no one there, not even in the hallway 50-60 feet in either direction.

Which means doofus waited less than 30 SECONDS before RUNNING away.

Which if he'd left a door tag, I could have just called FEDEX quickly to tell them I'm here and have him come back, but no, he left the tag at the front door of the building.

Yes, after coming to our door. Doofus.

So I realized today (WEDNESDAY) that I still hadn't gotten anything from FEDEX yet. So I called them up, was told I would have to go to the depot to pick up my package.

I immediately asked for a supervisor, and told the the a$$ on the phone in no uncertain terms I would not be doing their job for them (AGAIN- this has been an ongoing problem with FEDEX. Somehow, UPS always seems to have no problem getting into our "security" building in which the security door SOMETIMES latches closed- maybe they're hiring SUPER NINJA CAT BURGLERS!?!) THAT THEY'VE ALREADY BEEN PAID TO DO and that they could just deliver the box.

The "supervisor" came on and began speaking in a soft voice which I could barely hear.

I asked him politely three times to speak up, he didn't change his volume at all, it was very clear he was speaking softly to screw with me.

So I basically had to press my stereo bluetooth headsets into my ear as I was driving down the freeway in order to communicate with this jerk, whereupon he told me that his driver claimed to have tried to deliver it 3 times, so I would have to pick it up at their depot.

I told the jerk that obviously the driver was lying, since either my wife or me has been there for the last 3 days.

The supervisor ignored everything I said, and continued to recite his mantra that delivery had been attempted 3 times, and since no one was there to sign for it I would have to go pick it up.

I snapped.

"WE'VE BEEN THERE ALL 3 GODDAMNED DAYS! YOU'RE FUCKING USELESS! DO YOUR GODDAMNED JOB! YOUR DELIVERY DRIVER IS A FUCKING LIAR! I'M NOT GOING TO DO YOUR JOB FOR YOU, SO JUST GO THERE NOW, MY WIFE IS THERE NOW, HAND HER THE FUCKING BOX, AND YOUR JOB WILL BE DONE! YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN PAID TO DELIVER IT, SO FUCKING DO IT!!"

"Supervisor"; "I'm sorry sir, the driver cannot come back tonight, will someone be there tomorrow?"

"SOMEONE HAS BEEN THERE FOR THE LAST THREE DAYS YOU FUCKING MORON! FOR ALL THE GOOD IT'S DONE! WHAT THE FUCK DO WE HAVE TO DO TO GET YOU TO DO YOUR GODDAMNED JOB, YOU USELESS LYING SACK OF SHIT!"

"Well sir, someone needs to be there, the driver called your phone # and no one answered-"

"BULLSHIT!! YOUR DRIVER DIDN'T CALL, BECAUSE IF HE DID, I WOULD HAVE ANSWERED MY CELLPHONE!! YOU PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING USELESS! OH MY GOD!! (SAM KINESON SCREAM/GUTTERAL SHOUT)"

"WHAT # DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR SYSTEM?"

"I don't have access to the # on my computer system."

"WELL THAT'S JUST A BANG-UP COMPUTER SYSTEM YA GOT THERE ASSHOLE! NOW JUST BRING THE FUCKING BOX THERE NOW, MY WIFE IS THERE NOW. IT'S FUCKING SIMPLE, YOU FUCKING SIMPLETON, JUST TAKE THE FUCKING BOX THERE AND SIMPLY FUCKING HAND. IT. TO. HER.(!) I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU FUCKING IDIOTS WANT TO MAKE YOUR OWN JOB HARDER THAN IT HAS TO BE!?!"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR MALFUNCTION!!?!"


"I'm sorry sir, the driver cannot come back tonight, will someone be there tomorrow?"

"SURE WHATEVER, TRY AND DELIVER IT TOMORROW, MAYBE THE FOURTH TIME EVEN THOUGH IT'S REALLY THE SECOND TIME WILL BE THE FUCKING CHARM FOR YOU FUCKING IDIOTS."

At this point another voice broke in and said if I continued to curse they would disconnect the call.

I had already been thinking about how much time I'd wasted dealing with these fucking idiots and how I would simply have future fedex packages delivered to another address I know works, so I shouted;

"FINE, AT LEAST I WON'T BE WASTING MY TIME ANYMORE TALKING TO YOU FUCKING MORONS!"

and hung up.

Now I know my service from FEDEX probably will not improve, but since it sucked out loud so badly anyway, there's not really anywhere for it to go but up, so I don't think I risked a whole lot there.

And I really have no plans to have anything delivered to this address via FEDEX. I have enough problems in my life without doing something that is known stupid.

It's been a REALLY long time since I blew up like that, and I'm not proud of it, but it just goes to show how maddening a crappy attitude can be when you're dealing with jackholes who just don't give a fuck about doing a good job, either that or FEDEX is not making as much money as they did during the go-go real estate bubble days and they're trying to survive a bad economy by getting people to pick up their own stuff.


I think their business model is changing- and they are trying to compel people to go to their depot to pick up their packages in order to maximize profits.

This seems the most likely explanation for what I found when I came home; TWO "attempted delivery" tags on my door, one from Tuesday and one from today (Wednesday), as if I wouldn't have noticed that in my comings and goings over the last two days.

I can only conclude this is a developing plan for FEDEX, or they just suck at this particular hub and stink from the top down, since no one who cared about their job would screw with customers this much and expect not to be fired.

unfortunately, the tag numbers were not consecutive (which would have tripped up the assholes story that he had tried to deliver it 3 times), about 80 apart, so the driver was at least smart enough to do that, which further confirms my suspicion I'm getting "go-away" service as part of a profit-maximizing plan.

Because otherwise, he would have had to have either pulled a tag out of order and saved it to cover his ineptitude/dishonesty, or written it but not left it on my door.

It further confirms my suspicions FEDEX would prefer you pick up your own package since to leave those tags on the door after I called, means HE WOULD HAVE HAD TO HAVE ACTUALLY GONE THERE AND STILL NOT DELIVER THE PACKAGE!

Amazing. Welcome to Russia, where service is our last resort.