It all started when our over-heralded star, jonathan maithai, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling abundantly frustrated, jonathan maithai hit a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Ever so extemperaneously, he realized that his beloved diary was missing! Immediately he called his so-called friend, jonathan maithai. jonathan maithai had known jonathan maithai for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were electric ones. jonathan maithai was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... pestering. jonathan maithai called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

jonathan maithai picked up to a very happy jonathan maithai. jonathan maithai calmly assured him that most 3-legged wallabies panic before mating, yet spotted wolf hamsters usually earnestly cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting jonathan maithai. Why was jonathan maithai trying to distract jonathan maithai? Because he had snuck out from jonathan maithai's with the diary only seven days prior. It was a sassy little diary... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before jonathan maithai got back to the subject at hand: his diary. jonathan maithai turned red. Relunctantly, jonathan maithai invited him over, assuring him they'd find the diary. jonathan maithai grabbed his George Foreman grill and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, jonathan maithai realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the diary and he had to do it deftly. He figured that if jonathan maithai took the best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan, he had take at least four minutes before jonathan maithai would get there. But if he took the time machine? Then jonathan maithai would be really screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, jonathan maithai was interrupted by two selfish Care Bears that were lured by his diary. jonathan maithai yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling angered, he thoughtfully reached for his carrot and thoughtfully hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the time machine rolling up. It was jonathan maithai.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Texaco to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, jonathan maithai was out of the time machine and went indiscriminately jaunting toward jonathan maithai's front door. Meanwhile inside, jonathan maithai was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the diary into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his elephant. jonathan maithai was concerned but at least the diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in, ' jonathan maithai charismatically purred. With a inept push, jonathan maithai opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some annoying social outcast in a homemade car, ' he lied. 'It's fine, ' jonathan maithai assured him. jonathan maithai took a seat nearby where jonathan maithai had hidden the diary. jonathan maithai shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But jonathan maithai was distracted. Happy as a frickin' monkey, jonathan maithai noticed a abrasive look on jonathan maithai's face. jonathan maithai slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

jonathan maithai felt a stabbing pain in his taint when jonathan maithai asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the diary right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A oafish look started to form on jonathan maithai's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. jonathan maithai nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before jonathan maithai could react, jonathan maithai deftly lunged toward the box and opened it. The diary was plainly in view.

jonathan maithai stared at jonathan maithai for what what must've been nine days. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, jonathan maithai groped earnestly in jonathan maithai's direction, clearly desperate. jonathan maithai grabbed the diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. jonathan maithai let out a electric chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, jonathan maithai, ' he rebuked. jonathan maithai always had been a little stupid, so jonathan maithai knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before jonathan maithai did something crazy, like... start chucking wolverines at him or something. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he gripped his diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

jonathan maithai looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from jonathan maithai. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for jonathan maithai. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. jonathan maithai walked over to the window and looked down. jonathan maithai was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, jonathan maithai was struggling to make his way through the fanstic pumpkin patch behind jonathan maithai's place. jonathan maithai had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diary. One by one they latched on to jonathan maithai. Already weakened from his injury, jonathan maithai yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running off with his diary.

About six hours later, jonathan maithai awoke, his armpit throbbing. It was dark and jonathan maithai did not know where he was. Deep in the lonely haunted thicket, jonathan maithai was abnormally lost. Before anyone could take off their pants, he remembered that his diary was taken by the Care Bears. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a shrunken Care Bear emerged from the fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the alpha Care Bear. jonathan maithai opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Care Bear sunk its teeth into jonathan maithai's scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from jonathan maithai's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than three miles away, jonathan maithai was entombed by anguish over the loss of the diary. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato. With a deft thrust, he buried it deeply into his armpit. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about jonathan maithai... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the diary that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Care Bears, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

LOLz!!1


*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-2005
*** Forever pwning with earnest.

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