Mr. Ahern:
I decided to write these few lines, because I think it’s time that you had a little “come to Jesus” meeting about the level of service your Senior Analyst, Keith, provided to our company. I assume that your Lord and Master of your office! Yes, you read that right: You are their King. In case Keith has forgotten the arrangement, let me remind him: I’m the customer, which makes me the Boss. As such, I expect the following from him and Ahern, the company he is representing for all future interactions with other companies. Here is my information to your employee about his service:

1. Your respect. In return, I promise to treat you with respect…but you have to go first. When I approach you with a complaint, I don’t want to hear sighs of frustration. I don’t want to see your eyes rolling back. I don’t want to be addressed in a tone that clearly conveys (whether you’re aware of it or not) that you think I’m an idiot. Even if you think that I’m to blame for the problem I’m having, I want you to take ownership of the problem and FIX IT!

2. Your gratitude. Yes, that’s right: I want you to say “Thank you, ” and I want you to mean it. After all, if it weren’t for me you wouldn’t have a job! Think about that the next time you represent a company. Make eye contact, smile, and say a hearty “Thanks!” Even if it is a phone job, as you stated. We’ll both feel better about the interaction, and I might even mention it to a few of my friends, as you mentioned to other people things about Ahern, which brings me to the purpose of writing this to your boss, Mr. Ahern, so that he may see the type of employee he has representing him and his company.

3. Your smile. Even if you’re having a bad day, fake it for me. Like it or not, your attitude is written all over your face, and part of my selection criteria for the people chosen to do business with is friendliness. You can convey that friendliness with your facial expression…or tone of voice. It’s your choice, and it’s mine to come back to your business…or not.

4. Your deference. I know it’s fallen out of fashion of late, but there used to be a very popular phrase that said “The customer is always right.” Let’s get back to that arrangement, shall we? I’d really appreciate it. And if I’m really not right, let’s just pretend that I am and figure out a way to make me happy, OK? Thanks. Don't try to go over me, as you did with one of my employees, then say that I didn't know what I was talking about. That is a big no, no!

5. Your professionalism. If you make a promise to have something fixed for me by a certain date, make a habit out of keeping that promise. I understand that things can sometimes come up that keep you from fulfilling your commitment to me, but that’s really not my problem. Talking about the owner's daughter wild and childish ways and that the Manager is a bitch- playing hardball, your VP is senile, that says alot about you---Senior Analyst. Sure.

6. Your honesty. If you quote me a price, stick by it unless I change something. And make sure that the price you quote includes providing me with great customer service after the sale. Don’t give me a low price to get me to buy your stuff, then try to charge me more when something goes wrong. That’s part of our deal. Know your shit!

7. If you’ll agree to these rules of engagement, I will leave it up to your boss!

Oh, you didn’t know I could do that? You weren’t aware that at least ten other establishments in our neighborhood do exactly what you do? And that at least one or two of them would be happy to comply with my list of demands? That’s too bad; you really should get out more. No worries though: you’ll have plenty of time to go check them out when all your customers are gone.

Sincerely,

SPK

P.S. We don't need your services or your pathetic analyst.