I worked at PacketMotion until quite recently. The company is having trouble at the moment as the economy starts to slow down again. Before the economic crisis there was talk of adding offices in New York and even London. But those plans have been scrapped, perhaps permanently.

PacketMotion makes a lot of different hardware that lets businesses monitor traffic within their computer networks. I spent most of my time writing short documents outlining certain specific procedures clients could use to achieve certain aims. There were folks at the company who were paid to think up all new kinds of ways that our products could be used. I put their ideas on paper, and another department distributed this information.

About a year ago, though, I started putting my own thoughts into these documents. I wrote write whatever came into my head and then send that stuff along with the regular stuff that the company distributed. For example, I sent this piece along in a package of other documents that related to network security:

"What we have to consider is the nature of the mind. That is to say, not the biological make-up of the mind, although what we discuss here is undoubtedly a product of the mind's biological infrastructure. But in order to better understand the mind, we have to consider its behaviour and ignore this infrastructure, at least for the moment.

"What we do have to consider is that the mind is composed of thoughts. Thoughts are produced at the very furnace of the mind. That is to say, at the centre of the mind is a furious and often destructive machine that churns out thoughts at a rate that we cannot even conceive. It is important here to understand this. We cannot count the amount of thoughts that are produced by this machine. At times it seems as if the rate of thoughts produced per second is nearly infinite. That is not to say that it is infinite. But the figure is virtually unquantifiable.

"What is disturbing is the manner in which these new thoughts continually infect the mind. The word 'infect' is used here because these thoughts do behave as genuine intruders as the mind tries to interact with the physical world. Say that you are trying to wake up in the morning. It is early, and you wish you had time for more sleep. This situation is difficult enough. But it is made even more difficult by the flood of thoughts generated by the mind's furnace. An endless variety of painful memories and ideas boil to the surface of our consciousness. They add to the difficulties of trying to rise when sleep is still either desired of required.

"Moreover, once thoughts are emitted by the mind's surface, they move from place to place, damaging existing thoughts and memories and ideas and plans and everything else we have attempted to consciously preserve within ourselves in order to engage with the world. A friend that we respect may suddenly appear to us to be an enemy by the damage wrought by a single errant thought. We may shout at this person when we see them rather than giving them our usual warm greeting.

"Throughout our lives, then, we build up defences against these intrusive thoughts. This is perhaps the most important activity we engage in on a daily basis. We wake up in the morning every day, and our minds are flooded with harmful thoughts. We attempt to block out these intruders and get on with things like we normally do. This is the challenge that each of us faces every day of our lives.

"Taken from this perspective, the mind's furnace can be seen to be an internal enemy. Its purpose is not entirely clear to us. Certainly we need new thoughts to function and cope with the outside world, particularly during periods of rapid change. But productive thoughts seem to be an almost accidental by-product of the furnace's activities. Its very purpose would seem to be to churn out intrusive thoughts. The productive thoughts are perhaps merely an accident.

"Again, taken from this perspective, it is difficult to see the mind as anything but an enemy to the self. The key, then, is to locate the self. That is, the part of us that wishes to do good, and that does not want to succumb to the harmful thoughts. Surely this part of us exists, or else we would not view these harmful thoughts as being harmful at all. We would not pass judgment on what the furnace produces. Rather, we would accept each thought without judging it to be good or bad.

"It is the place where such judgment takes place that the self may be found. Perhaps it is in another part of the mind. Perhaps it is cowering in the dark, doing its best to avoid the damage wrought by the furnace. Perhaps it is sick and dying. The mind as a whole will die eventually, but perhaps the self is already in the process of dying the moment after it is born."

The additional of such material was of course not welcome by those folks who had to print everything off and get these materials to our clients. The first time I sent some of my own stuff along it was returned to me without much fuss. They simply thought that I had added it by mistake. But it eventually became clear that I was doing this on purpose. At that point Fleming, my manager, called me in for a special meeting in his officer. He even had an HR person present who introduced herself when I came in. I do not remember her name.

Fleming was about my age, but he had been with PacketMotion for years, so he had risen through the ranks quite quickly. He had pictures of his family all over the little window sill behind his desk. Smiling children stared straight at me as he spoke. Fleming did his best to appear calm and reassuring.

"I want you to understand the purpose of this meeting is to gather information, " he told me. "Do not think of this as some sort of disciplinary hearing. Do you understand me?"

"I suppose the disciplinary hearing will come later, " I said. The HR person scribbled down notes as we spoke.

"There won't necessarily be such a hearing, " Fleming said. "We want to talk with you now. There are a number of options as to where we can go after this."

"I do like working here, to let you know, " I said.

"That was going to be my first question, " Fleming said.

"I figured it would be near the top of the list, " I said.

"You're a smart person, " Fleming said. "You could contribute so much here. Do you realize that? I say nothing but good things about you in meetings with my supervisors. Even with regards to the incidents we are going to discuss here, I've said as little as possible. I would like you to have a future here."

"I have a hard time dealing with such positivity, " I told him. "I have to be honest with you. When you said stuff like that, it makes me think that you're actually doing the opposite."

"That's not the case, " Fleming said.

"But can't you see things from my perspective?" I said. "You tell me everything is fine. You say that I'm doing a good job."

"I didn't say that you were doing a good job, " Fleming interjected.

"Well, you're saying nothing but nice things about me, " I said. "But clearly we're here because I'm doing something wrong. It's the contrast between what you're saying and the situation that I'm currently in. I know I'm in trouble. Pretending that I'm not in trouble only makes me even more confused."

"Nobody is saying that you're in trouble, " Fleming said. "This isn't grade school. You're not being sent to detention. As I said, this session will allow us to gather information. We'll take action later on."

"So what kind of information are you looking for, then?" I asked him.

Fleming picked up a sheet of paper from his desk. "I am going to read something that you wrote, " he told me. "I'll just go through one paragraph."

Fleming then began to read. "Thoughts churn through our mind along various pathways, " he began. "This is an important structural issue that must be understood. Thoughts do not float through the mind like particles in a glass of water. They travel along specific paths, like electricity in a municipal power grid. At times they are on their own, moving through one channel or another. At other times they intersect. And of course there are endpoints in this network where thoughts empty out of the network into certain specific regions of the brain, like water coming out of a faucet into a kitchen sink. It is at these points that infection may occur. It is at these points that thought begin to flood the mind. But before this flooding takes place, thoughts must travel along these pre-existing networks. It is at during this period of transit that thoughts are at their most vulnerable. That is to say, they are completely beholden to the infrastructure provided to them by the mind. Without these networks, thoughts both good and bad would not get out of the mind's furnace."

Fleming put the sheet of paper back down his desk. "You did write this, correct?" he asked me.

"I believe so, " I said. "I don't remember it word for word."

"What we need to know is what motivated you to do this, " Fleming said.

"Those are treatises, " I told him.

"Pardon me?" Fleming said.

I took the sheet of paper off of Fleming's desk and wrote the word down for him. "Treatises, " I said. "These are treatises that I am writing."

Fleming looked at the word I had written down as if it were a peculiar presence in his office. "This is a difficult situation, " he then said.

"I'm not trying to make things difficult, " I told him.

"I'm not against you writing such thoughts down, " Fleming said. "They are interesting. I'll admit that. The problem is that this work seems to be interfering with your regular duties."

"I don't see how that's the case, " I said.

"This material is not work-related, " Fleming said. "It's interesting, as I said. Perhaps this is the sort of work you could be doing in your spare time. A hobby of some sort."

"I don't consider any writing I do to be a hobby, " I said. "It's important that this information gets out there. That's why I include it with the other stuff I do."

"Do you think that that's appropriate?" Fleming said.

"I'm sure somebody is reading it, " I said. "We send this stuff out to all of our clients. I'm sure someone somewhere must be looking at my work. Don't you agree?"

"I won't say one way or another, " Fleming said. "The point is that this is not the proper outlet for such work to go through. Do you understand that?"

"I guess I don't, " I said.

Fleming sat back in his chair and was quiet for a while. "This is a more difficult situation than I had anticipated, " he then said.

"I'm not trying to cause trouble, " I told him.

"I believe you, " Fleming said.

"I won't stop doing this, " I said. "You'll have to fire me if you don't believe that this is appropriate workplace behavior."

"I don't want to do that, " Fleming said.

"But you will, " I said. "You'll have to. You won't have any other choice."